I had my pediatrics clerkship for the last two months:

“You made my baby cry!”
“I’m sorry. I just looked at her.”

“Is this your first time giving a vaccine?”
“Yes.”
“Great. My kid is going to cry all night now.”

“Which ear hurts?”

The little girl points to her left ear.

“This ear hurts?”

“No, this one,” she says, pointing to her right ear.

“This ear hurts?” I ask again.

“No, this one,” she says pointing to her left ear.

We repeat this dance for the next ten minutes.

“Hi, I’m Phillip, one of the medical students. Do you mind if I ask you a couple of questions about your son?”
“No, I only want to speak to the attending. Go away.”

“What do you think is wrong with her?”

“I’m not sure. I’ll speak to my attending and we can move from there.”

“Do you have any ideas at least?”

“Well it could be…”

“Do you know anything?” she interrupts.

“Not really. One of the hazards of being a student.”

“Are you sexually active?”
“No.”
“Do you have a boyfriend or girlfriend?”
“Yeah, I have a girlfriend.”
“What do you guys do together? Make-out…?”
“We do it in the butt. It’s not sex if I’m not using her pussy.”
“Oh.”

“How long has his knee been swollen and red like this?”
“A week now. I was putting some oil and vinegar on it everyday. That usually works.”

“I always look at tall women and think they’re models, that’s how beautiful they are,” the doctor told her patient. The patient was on track to be six feet.
“OK.”
“Just remember, don’t feel that you need to limit yourself to tall guys. There are plenty of short men who you can date. Don’t rule out short men,” she said, pointing at me. 

“Any nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, constipation, chest pain, or shortness of breath overnight?”
“No.”

“Is my son going to die?”
“I’m sorry?”
“Is my son going to die? Please tell me he’s not going to die.”